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When my answers come

Life was designed to last once for every individual and as much as that sucks, it is true. We roam through life trying to figure out the true essence of existence and while that urge might be higher in some, it is lower for others. 

I mean, who cares about all of the serious stuff in life right? Roll up some weed, light it, smoke up some dose of daily conviction. Look forward to a what could be a better alternative for essence.

Truth be told, every single one of us humans on the surface of Earth, have that moment. A time when probably in a car driving to work, amid the endless news on the radio, it hits you- the realization of something beyond every individual you pass by on the streets, every nod you get in response to your greeting, every shade of pupils you've stared into.

And yeah, while some might boldly step out and share in an engaging tone, how, they realized, once, years back, the X, Y, Z, that led to making a significant decision in their lives, I sit there and wonder. I wonder at where, how, why, and most importantly, when it'd be my turn.

But from what I've seen it seems these things happen when you least expect right? I guess I'll just 'chill' with my worrying and just pretend I have forgotten about this burning desire. Until it happens 'out of the blue' right?

Right. So some one or two hours ago, while I cried myself to having a headache at work, I thought to myself, 'Is this it?'

'Do I perhaps have a glimpse of a voice that'd just speak to me and soothe my worries away?' No??

Of course, I felt really sad. More depressed even when even as I type this in a state of heightened emotions and self-awareness, the only thing I can think about is 'weakness'. And why, I go through constant worry to adjust 'my life'.

Funny because 'my life' is not even mine. Well, technically, it isn't mine. So why all of the numerous fuss?

If I begin to list out the various thoughts and worries that run through my mind, a couple of you who know me personally would not look at me the same way again. So, FOR THE SAKE OF 'SANITY' I WILL BE QUIET.

Years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes and seconds pass but humans are constantly in search of answers. And whether is spiritual, financial, personal, inter-personal or whatnot, we are always in search of solutions.

But what if the answers are right there in front of us? What if this whole time the answer_ the person we need is just sitting right in front of us screaming, 'look at me, I'm here for you', inwardly of course.

Or wait, maybe the answers are miles away. On a Carribean beach, somewhere, soaking in the sun rays?

I do not know and even in a thousand years, I bet no one would be able to tell, what man really needs, what we want, what is necessary to GIVE US REST.

So as you find your solution, tapping into a higher power (God for me), maybe it's best to look around real good. The room always has that one element you've always missed. The answer just might be right there in front of you.

Or as I said, 50,000 miles away. In which case you have to go find it.

I don't know where my answers lie, but I sure as hell know that, when I realize them, if, there are, right in front of me, I'd walk right up to them, embrace them like a man saved from death. And if there are 50,000 miles away, I'll do all it takes with every ounce of strength, every last drop of blood, to get to them.

I'd rather die searching then die living my life like I don't need the answers.

In the mean time, a temporary answer was penning this down for all of the world to see. So let's see how this one goes...

Yours sincerely,
Because you understand what it means to search for answers.

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my eyes are
brilliant: a firework of events.
my thoughts are
weakened; how come it took
this long to realize?
my screams are
crippled: hence the irony,
suiting this madness.
my heart is
consumed: inclined to a seul,
the imperfect affair.
my life was
still is: when will it fully blossom?
some lies are
a sign: love's very true own
my eyes are
not for seeing,
but feeling,
all these other lives
i dare not intrude
or touch,
for the better part of
this dreadful